All Aboard the Negativity Train!

So as you can see, I go by the name Tenacious Dreamer. It’s unlikely that any of my (few) followers have wondered why I chose this name, but I’ll tell you anyway. It is because I live primarily in my head, a trait I once took pride in; an ideas man. I build collections of elaborate ideas and plans within my mind, dwell on them, consider every aspect of them and move onto building the next big vision without ever attempting to bring my dream to fruition. This has always been the case to some degree, as with all people, but I feel the issue has worsened of late.

After far too many ideas not seeing the light of reality, I decided I would have to learn the required skills to execute these ideas. I’ve been in this stage for roughly a year and guess what? Still nothing. Chemistry, physics, web development, writing, yoga, this blog, non-profit organisations, game development, fitness regimes, meditation, electronics, you name it, I tried it. My interest is piqued for a few days, a week at best, until the marvellous idea that required this skill receives thought no more. To top it off, my memory is terrible so the very little that I do learn fades very quickly (this generally happens with lack of repetition.)

I find it a truly terrible cycle to break. It’s as if my brain has been conditioned my whole life to take the path of least resistance, so regardless of what I try to do I simply can’t persist; pure laziness. I used to justify my failures and make excuses, now I simply accept that I am built to fail in all my endeavors, or at least any that demand extended effort. The longer it goes on, the more difficult the simplest of goals seems.

I’ve read all the self-help articles that produce a quick burst of motivation quickly fizzling into nothing. It gets the endorphins pumping momentarily, as if reading about breaking laziness is actually translating into progress. Of course, you can only read so much self-help bullshit before you are numb to it, numb to any lurking motivations, numb to the world. It has reached the point where I don’t even know what I would pursue even if I did have the ability. Everything seems so utterly uninteresting and pointless.  So what is one supposed to do? Pursue something that doesn’t interest them and simply push through it, and for what? Perhaps the interest will be renewed once begun, perhaps…

Is it possible I’ve developed some form of mental illness? Symptoms include laziness, negativity, and joylessness: depression perhaps?  I’d be lying if I said suicidal thoughts hadn’t crossed my mind of late, not strong enough to warrant the execution of the task (sound familiar?), but still a position I never thought I would be in, and all self-inflicted. Let’s assume for the moment this is depression, so what ailment did I suffer from when I was happy but unable to achieve anything, before the negativity creeped in?

I consider myself quite logical in most regards, I know the drill here:  focus on gratitude, focus on that which makes you happy, don’t be so hard on yourself, exercise regularly, eat a healthy diet, disengage in negative self-talk, etc. Great, a whole new list of goals I won’t be able to achieve either! The nature of the problem seems to prevent the execution of the solution. Okay, okay, new strategy: harden the fuck up, stop complaining, and do something about it. This mentality will produce results, but for how long I wonder. What happens tomorrow when I’m incapable of taking on that perspective?

This blog post was originally going to be a commitment to deciding and achieving my goals, posting them publicly, using the old accountability trick: be held accountable to someone for fulfilling (or not fulfilling) the goals. However, after examining my current mindset through the writing of this blog, I see how futile such a technique would be; the last thing I want to do is add another failure to the long list.

Believe it or not, there is a silver lining to all this: I actually wrote a blog post! The secondary lining is that if I ever manage to solve this issue, I could write a book on the super-effective technique that pulled me from rock-bottom to success, though I fear nothing short of a miracle will do that. I want to wrap up by saying sorry for bringing negativity to your day, dear reader. Perhaps someday I will be writing uplifting and helpful posts, like one of those lame self-help authors (no offense!)

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